I was already up til 4am venting on my blog (SMH), and I woke up @ 11 the next morning. Thank God my “church” doesn’t start until 1pm (crazy, I know). I hate sleeping that late so I’m already mad, but I got ready for church, got a quick game of Fight Night 4 in & headed out the door.
Before I go to “church” (I’ll explain the quotations in a minute), I try to play something in the car that either ushers in the spirit of God, or at least gets me ready to accept Him. Usually it’s either Christian jazz or instrumentals (don’t ask, I’m weird). I really am NOT feeling gospel lately. ANYWAY, so while I’m trying to pray & drive, I suddenly become overwhelmed with my current situation. That’s all I can think about. I’m mad, I’m scared, I’m blaming myself, all this crap. Called my brother Rich to get my mind off that & walked right in.
Let me explain my “church” before I go on. Matter fact, lemme backtrack. When I 1st got saved in Japan, I went to a church that had a decent size congregation, couple hundred members. But the Pastor was this “bigger than life” figure that seemed to get just as much praise as Jesus. But then again, being a baby in my walk, I didn’t know any better, but I had a gut feeling that something was off. Then when I got stationed in Washington, I went to a really small church. Initially I was nervous & didn’t like it. It was maybe only 20 members in the whole joint. But I learned a LOT, I met some amazing people & started to learn how to serve in the church, I was in a few different ministries. I used to enjoy going to church. Then due to some messed up circumstances, I ended up leaving & to this day I regret it. They deserved more than what I gave them & to this day I’m still mad. I ended up at this other church, the pastor was great, but the congregation was mad religious. Singing old negro spirituals, not tapping into the Holy Spirit, it was just routine. I wasn’t growing, wasn’t learning (I will say some of the members walked in total love, which I hadn’t seen & still rarely do to this day). So when I got out & moved, I searched for a church home forever. I went to Baptist churches, Pentecostal churches, non-denominational; if you had a church here, I heard you speak. But everything was tired, boring, religious, no fruit, none of that. As a result, it became harder & harder to feed myself & ultimately I stopped going. I would go to this mega church to I guess appease God, and even though I had some encounters with Him there, it still wasn’t the same. I missed my old church that had the family feel to it.
So fast forward to about a month ago. I met a guy at my job, he actually interviewed me for the position, which is funny. But we began talking & come to find out he shared a lot of the same views about Christianity that I do. Since he was older, he had a lot of wisdom that I was just soaking in. He taught me about tithing & some other stuff I plan on sharing with y’all in the near future. Anyway, so he holds service at his house at 1pm, it’s him & his family, the co-pastor & his family & a few other people. And every sermon they’ve preached has been totally on point. Speaking to my current situation, giving me direction. Which confirmed that this is where I’m supposed to be.
So yesterday I head into service or whatever, last week’s sermon was CRAZY!!! It was about being on “spiritual offense”, where as Christians we wait until someone attacks us before we fight, when the Bible calls us to take the fight to the enemy. And this week’s sermon followed up on that (I plan on uploading them to my imeem page, patience…). So after service they ask if anybody needs prayer. Even though I did, I didn’t raise my hand. I couldn’t even think of what to pray for. So the co-pastor asks to pray for his sinuses. And I found out that my boy has a gift in healing (like, laying hands on folks & casting stuff out…so yeah, here WE go). So they begin to lay hands & pray over him.
Now y’all know me, if you remember my old blog on myspace (which I hated that I deleted cuz I had some classics on that joint), I’m very iffy on laying hands. Not because I don’t believe that we have that power. But because it looks like such a show. When I see pastors do it on TV, it’s like they slap the person in the face & the “demons jump out”. It looks like a choreographed fight to me. So I’m like meh…but as they begin to lay hands on this guy, something starts happening. It was almost as if he was pulling whatever it was up out of him & placing something better back in. I stepped all the way back, LOL!!!! I was like I don’t know about this homie. And then he began to speak into ol boy’s life in regards to his job, stuff he didn’t even ask to pray for. And he fell to the floor & began to cry…like HARD. And this is a big dude, prolly 6’2”, 290…really big guy, just weeping uncontrollably. I was just in shock, I had to pick my chin up off the floor. I was actually frozen for a minute. When I came to, my brain said leave, and my boy came up to me & said “yeah, we finna pray for you”….uh oh
He didn’t even ask what I needed. He started talking about how the Lord said I needed stability in my life (which I do) & that was gonna start with my finances. Then he began to speak on my calling & some other things. Then he placed his hand on my stomach & began to speak in tongues. And at first I didn’t feel anything. Then he began to speak on my past & the Lord started speaking through him again “he has many wounds, many scars that he wears. He’s not angry, he has a lot of hurt & unforgiveness that he carries around. Just say ‘I forgive them’”. Immediate the Lord began showing me faces & situations of people that I harbored…basically hate towards. And when he started speaking on my childhood, I felt weak & numb. I kinda backed up, my legs couldn’t even support me to stand up. It was unreal. Those things that you carry around in your mind, really do manifest themselves, it felt like I was weighed down. All the while, The Lord is still showing me people & things people did to me that I was carrying around. And at that moment, my body couldn’t support itself & I fell. And when I fell, I was dazed…I promise y’all this was the craziest thing in the world. It even seems weird to be typing this out to you.
I got up, talked with them for a minute, said my goodbyes & got in the car. While I was walking I felt light. Like, I felt about as light as I weigh, lol. I remember during the prayer, like I said, I felt really really heavy. As if the weight of all those problems were being lifted up off me. The crazy part is that with all the things the Lord said yesterday, he didn’t say ANYTHING about my situation that I was consumed with in the car. Not a thing…so I’m like if God ain’t concerned about it, then why am I??? It’s funny to compare what you’re worried about & what God is thinking. He’s like “pffffft, that??? Uhhh yeah, I’ma need you to let that go, now as for this other stuff, boom boom boom”.
When I got home I was in a great mood. I wasn’t mad or upset, or anything like that. I realized I was like, pitiful. I would just sit there & watch ESPN all day. Nothing productive. Or I’d get online & download beats that I’d never write to. Two other things God said He was gonna stir up was my creativity & my rest. Which is crazy because #1, like in my previous post, people haven’t really been digging what I put out recently. He said what I’ve written so far is nothing compared to what I’m about to do. And as far as rest goes, I haven’t gotten a good night’s sleep in YEARS. I always wake up throughout the night, I’m always sleeping in late, waking up for work 15 minutes before I have to walk out the door & it’s been killing me. And funny thing, this morning I woke up just as energized as ever. I really can’t wait to see what else is going to happen. I also have already had some situations that would make me mad (satan don’t sleep) but I get mad for a second & I promise I completely forgot about it. I had to remind myself like, oh yeah…
As far as that record goes that I was gonna leak in a few weeks, it’s scrapped. There was a lot of resentment in those bars so I’d rather continue to create solutions instead of problems. However I will leak something fairly soon, depending on how quick I can get into the studio. And for those of you leery about my experience, beat on God’s chest. Beat on His door & ask for it. I’m not even sure if most Christians even have constant communication with the Lord like that, if any communication at all. If not, there’s obviously something blocking, creating a wall between you guys. Is it a relationship you’re in?? A career choice, a lifestyle, a reoccurring sin?? Find it & cut it off. If you don’t know, ask for revelation. And have patience PLEASE…I suck with patience, so I’m basically preaching to the choir.
Oh yeah, to ol boy that reads my blogs, get at me…a chat is long overdue. I appreciate you, more than you know. One…
or 
