Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Fathers Week: Day Two 'My Son, My Life, My Father's Day Plight' by Patrick Murakami
8:12 PM

Fathers Week: Day Two 'My Son, My Life, My Father's Day Plight' by Patrick Murakami

As I said earlier, each day this week I'm going to feature different types of fathers we see in today's society. Our first feature is from a really good friend of mine, Patrick Murakami. I really can't intro what you're about to read, all I can say is, it's phenomenal, touching, & it led me to tears. Enjoy

First of all, shout out to all the Dads out there, we don't get enough credit lol, second of all, shout out to my son Lucas, because for so many reasons other than the obvious, I wouldn't be doing this if it weren't for him. I love you son and of course a huge shout out to my Dad, love you pops!

I didn't know what to write, or what to say about life before and during Lucas. I'm so accustomed to talking about him when I'm not around him. Usually everything is about what he or what we had just done that same day or recently. I had to take a trip into the back of my mind and reminisce of how fast these past nearly 5 years have flown by. I can't really give you the full essence of 5 years or lifetime in a few brief paragraphs, but I'll try to be clear, concise and quick.

The birth of a first child to a parent is overwhelming. As long as you aren't a dead beat, anyway. (Thats a whole another blog though lol.) Anyway, I'm blessed that I was married, was able to experience the full nine months of Lucas being just a peanut into alien looking conehead he was when he came out. I kissed him and his mom good-bye everyday I went to work, and we play fought when he was on the inside and we listened to music. We didn't know until the minute he came out that "he" was going to be a he. Sparing folks details, basically after cutting the cord, I seriously looked at him for about 45 seconds to a minute to debate on whether he was Caleb, or Lucas, give me a break, 2 minutes prior we thought "he" might've been Evan Elizabeth...obviously we know what I chose.

Before I delve into life as father, I want to discuss a little about life as me, so people can see the full spectrum. Does the term "babies making babies" strike a chord within? Because essentially that's what I was. I was 20, I worked a job, that though gave me management skills, was still very "juvenile." How far can you grow, managing a game store, when outside of work you're playing games full time (I was trying to go pro playing them competitively) and when you're not playing you're reading or watching videos on them and "practicing." Really it was a hobby turned drug. I used to give an excuse that it kept me off the drugs, and out of trouble, but it consumed me. Seriously, ya'll would laugh at the idea of having an intervention for somebody playing video games, but the truth is that I would get physically ill, if my ps2 broke, or if my arcade stick died, and the Tilt at the Chapel Hllls mall was closed. When you would rather have people think you're out partying or cheating, because you don't want people to know you're playing games again...its bad lol. Don't judge me, you had crack, cocaine, weed and/or alcohol, I had my Street Fighter, and at least I can remember everyone of my good times, and I got paid for it.

Anyway, shortly after Lucas was born, I thought to myself that I can still juggle fools in Tekken, and also my lifestyle with my son and my wife. The harsh realization, was that I couldn't. So I hung up the sticks, like rehab, I went through my up and downs, said things I'd take back and fought empty fights. I remember one day, I was feeding my son dinner, and he was about 4 months old. He was full in his belly, he was messy as heck, and he just was staring at me. Relying on me for his every need. He'd laugh, he'd cry, he'd yell, and it was all amazing. It was like being in love for the first time. You know what I'm talking about, the first time a girl says she loves you, the first time you fall in love with God, the first time you ever kissed, the first time you ever did anything that you were so proud of. Except you knew that this time, this love wouldn't fade. I can't really explain what its like to have that feeling, when everything else you've ever known has always been temporary, or conditional. The pureness, the innocence, though it can be trying at times, its so purely therapeutic, and euphoric as well.

Fast forward to now, my relationship with my son, is undescribable. I crave him, and he craves me. There was a time when suicide would get a foothold on me and hold me until I would fall and give in. Can't say the thoughts don't come in and out, but now I have a reason to keep fighting, and keep going. Life is unbearable at times, if I can be honest, its a crustacean of hell, with nothing but plot and challenges which you can't escape within. Yet everyday I get to hear my son say goodnight. He's like the good looking, the innocent and the best parts of me. The parts in the mirror I can't see, but I always wanted too. He's proof that there are things in this world worth fighting for. So everyday is "Fathers Day" for me. Nothing but respect for any parents, whether your a mom, a dad ,grandparent, sibling...its tough and it takes a certain type of person with gusto and heart to fulfill those empty needs.


Anonymous said...

Wow. That was amazing. I'm not a parent but you just confirmed it is exactly what I hope it will be.

Sarah Murakami said...

I am so proud to have you as the father of my child. Lucas is blessed. You are nothing short of an amazing man. Your beautiful words exemplify the epitome of a father's love for his child. I am a blessed woman to have you in my life. Thank you for that beautiful baby boy...