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It's Always Worse...

Testimonies

i had a bad weekend y'all...

recently i've been presented with making some life altering decisions. decisions that would confuse most. on top of that, i already have other issues that i'm currently dealing with. and it just so happened TD Jakes was in town this weekend to speak. Jakes is one of my favorite authors/pastors. His book He-Motions led me to tears several times while reading it. and to be honest i still haven't finished reading it; it's so relevant to my life & brought up a lot of hurt that i haven't dealt with yet.

ANYWAY, i went to hear him speak on Friday. he basically talked about Doubting Thomas out of the book of John & how everybody has a twin (Thomas means "twin" in Hebrew) & there's basically two of you, one who "goes to church" & the other who "sits in church". it was deep, and it was very convicting. that's a big issue that's going on in my house & hearing it broken down in depth was interesting, yet disheartening.

THEN, Sunday my pastor finally gets to preach (he rarely does, service is moreso based in praise & worship & then deliverance). and he speaks on not walking in love & a lack of faith. Two of my biggest adversaries. and his sermon was more convicting than Jakes'. so hearing about all of your shortcomings & faults (without a solution, FYI) is FAR from encouraging.

as you guys know, i've been dealing with money. i was venting to the Mrs. last night about bills & a lack of income. and she said "well at least we're not out on the street". it resonated, but i wasn't trying to hear that.

i mean, i said it on Shoot Me Down

say they want advice but they just want someone to justify the wrong they do//as long as you stay in that circle, then you'll never be straight..."

and i played right into that. i didn't wanna hear a right answer, or a glimmer of hope. i hear that way too much. "your blessing is around the corner", etc etc...i can't even front, i REALLY didn't wanna hear that!!!!!! so as i was falling asleep, i was praying, & i repented for my anger, but i fell asleep before i got around to telling God where my anger stemmed from

and then i woke up...

so today i was taking care of stuff for my new job (complaining about money & i got a new job, strike 1) & i had to make a stop in the grocery store. while i'm driving in the parking lot i see a man, woman & child standing outside of a jeep holding a sign

"FAMILY IN NEED"

INSTANT conviction...
my wife's voice in my head "at least we're not on the streets begging"

i'm sitting here mad & upset about money. i have a pocket full but it's gotta last me a couple weeks. and here's this man & his family, that had to humble themselves & ask for help.

how wrong am i?!?!?!?!

i hate asking anybody for help, i JUST got humbled by asking family members. so to be in a position to ask strangers?!??! i couldn't fathom it...

all the while i'm @ the store, all i could think about was that man & his family. the man of the house, the head...forced to beg WITH his family no less for money. i felt uncomfortable, ashamed of my own anger @ God. granted i ain't ballin, but i could very easily be that man...

so i drove by them & gave him some money. not much. and i saw the gratitude in his eyes, the embarrassment, and the hope in his handshake. he began to tell me how his job laid him off & unemployment wasn't gonna kick in for a little bit, & his rent was due before it started. i told him "God bless you" & drove away.

i left still not satisfied. should i have prayed with them?? shared the gospel?? what was my little contribution gonna do for them?? even as i type this now i'm still empty & feel as if i should've done more. and on top of that i'm already ashamed for being mad @ my current situation, when there are folks that would kill to be where i am.

count your blessings, even if it's 2 of em.