Monday, June 15, 2009

It's Always Worse...
4:22 PM

It's Always Worse...

i had a bad weekend y'all...

recently i've been presented with making some life altering decisions. decisions that would confuse most. on top of that, i already have other issues that i'm currently dealing with. and it just so happened TD Jakes was in town this weekend to speak. Jakes is one of my favorite authors/pastors. His book He-Motions led me to tears several times while reading it. and to be honest i still haven't finished reading it; it's so relevant to my life & brought up a lot of hurt that i haven't dealt with yet.

ANYWAY, i went to hear him speak on Friday. he basically talked about Doubting Thomas out of the book of John & how everybody has a twin (Thomas means "twin" in Hebrew) & there's basically two of you, one who "goes to church" & the other who "sits in church". it was deep, and it was very convicting. that's a big issue that's going on in my house & hearing it broken down in depth was interesting, yet disheartening.

THEN, Sunday my pastor finally gets to preach (he rarely does, service is moreso based in praise & worship & then deliverance). and he speaks on not walking in love & a lack of faith. Two of my biggest adversaries. and his sermon was more convicting than Jakes'. so hearing about all of your shortcomings & faults (without a solution, FYI) is FAR from encouraging.

as you guys know, i've been dealing with money. i was venting to the Mrs. last night about bills & a lack of income. and she said "well at least we're not out on the street". it resonated, but i wasn't trying to hear that.

i mean, i said it on Shoot Me Down

say they want advice but they just want someone to justify the wrong they do//as long as you stay in that circle, then you'll never be straight..."

and i played right into that. i didn't wanna hear a right answer, or a glimmer of hope. i hear that way too much. "your blessing is around the corner", etc etc...i can't even front, i REALLY didn't wanna hear that!!!!!! so as i was falling asleep, i was praying, & i repented for my anger, but i fell asleep before i got around to telling God where my anger stemmed from

and then i woke up...

so today i was taking care of stuff for my new job (complaining about money & i got a new job, strike 1) & i had to make a stop in the grocery store. while i'm driving in the parking lot i see a man, woman & child standing outside of a jeep holding a sign


INSTANT conviction...
my wife's voice in my head "at least we're not on the streets begging"

i'm sitting here mad & upset about money. i have a pocket full but it's gotta last me a couple weeks. and here's this man & his family, that had to humble themselves & ask for help.

how wrong am i?!?!?!?!

i hate asking anybody for help, i JUST got humbled by asking family members. so to be in a position to ask strangers?!??! i couldn't fathom it...

all the while i'm @ the store, all i could think about was that man & his family. the man of the house, the head...forced to beg WITH his family no less for money. i felt uncomfortable, ashamed of my own anger @ God. granted i ain't ballin, but i could very easily be that man...

so i drove by them & gave him some money. not much. and i saw the gratitude in his eyes, the embarrassment, and the hope in his handshake. he began to tell me how his job laid him off & unemployment wasn't gonna kick in for a little bit, & his rent was due before it started. i told him "God bless you" & drove away.

i left still not satisfied. should i have prayed with them?? shared the gospel?? what was my little contribution gonna do for them?? even as i type this now i'm still empty & feel as if i should've done more. and on top of that i'm already ashamed for being mad @ my current situation, when there are folks that would kill to be where i am.

count your blessings, even if it's 2 of em.


Jocelyn said...

you're so right. in this "recession" people are pitching fits because they don't have everything they want, but they're forgetting that they have what the need. i know you're not into country, but Alright by Darius Rucker speaks to me on that one. "Cause I've got a roof over my head,
the woman I love laying in my bed
And it's alright, alright
I've got shoes under my feet
Forever in her eyes staring back at me
And it's alright, alright
And I've got all I need
And it's alright by me"