Friday, September 26, 2008

Dear Diary
11:56 PM

Dear Diary

it's midnight on the dot & i have NO clue why i'm still up. i was up til 1 last night doing among other things watching USC get destroyed by Oregon State. why is it that the people we put the most faith in end up failing at what seems to be the simplest task.

for the first time in a long time, i'm alone. maybe that's why i'm suffering from this small dose of anxiety. i don't have any responsibility, i can take care of me. after work today i played with my nephews & sat on my behind. and i enjoyed it. i didn't have any other mouths around that i had to be immediately responsible for. i wonder if the roles were switched & i suddenly disappeared, who would care?? would there be any sort of mass hysteria or sense of panic from anyone?? man i don't know WHY i have all these questions right now.

God's been speaking now more than ever. i think i said something a while back about once i got out the military, God was gon throw me in the rocket ship & take my level about 80 steps higher than what it was. and He has. unfortunately my head is so in the clouds, life is just...i dunno to me.

this is the biggest city i've lived in, you'd think with all these personalities surrounding me i'd be inspired by everything. instead everything is gray. i literally CAN'T WRITE!!!! Lord knows i've tried, i can't do it. and that scares me. imagine the one thing that kept you sane for more than half of your life seemingly being taken away from you. what do you do?? do i fall into the same pit as everyone else & question God?? why me Lord?? so cliche...

speaking of which, i noticed that i can't STAND when people bring up God when stuff goes wrong. several examples: when Travis Barker & DJ AM narrowly escaped death in a plane crash, all these "statements" people released throughout the week said "they're in my prayers". nothing about you says "hey i want you to pray for me". nothing about your persona says Jesus, Christ, Jesus Christ, Jesus the Christ, God, Abba, ok i'll stop but you get the point. also, if someone is "attacking" you, a simple "only God can judge me" or "the Lord's wrath upon you" does nothing...absolutely nothing. the Bible says to acknowledge Him in ALL things...i'm sure the Lord doesn't only wanna be "summoned" during someone's pity party or in a time of battle.

i dunno, i see things different. not sure if it's cynical or just seeing the world for what it is (in my eyes at least). my flesh wants me to give up on it all & just focus on my priorities. how unfair is that??? i've been reflecting on all the hurt i caused to people. all the times where i was called to do something, or entrusted by someone & i failed them. i'm too ashamed to ask for forgiveness, too prideful to break that shell, and too far gone to even bother. as you can see i've been rambling, as i tend to do. shoot, somebody'll listen...