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Reflection Eternal (One Year Later)

Testimonies As I'm typing, my house is totally silent. I often come home to a house void of sound & I love it. My (very small) apartment isn't much, but I've learned to appreciate it. It's my refuge, my cave, my hole in the ground where I can get away. Among several things (that I will talk about in this blog) I've learned to appreciate silent screams. This time last year told a much different tale. A tale up until now I've truhfully been embarassed to tell. But with all that's happened today, I FINALLY understand the reason for the journey. Let's start at the beginning.

I wasn't happy. I had mentally left the relationship months ago. My soul was gone; not with me, or her. It was just floating. And that night I had made the decision that I was gonna find it & bring it back home. Though she said I was physical with her, emotionally she put me in a full body cast. Spiritually?? Pfffffffffffft. Jesus who? And why would this so-called God allow me to get powerbombed through a flaming table repeatedly? Though I questioned & grumbled at God, I was too scared of His wrath to abandon the one thing I thought He would never forgive me for. But in one split second I decided to be selfish. I lost weight "for God", I lost my smile "for God", I fell behind on my bills "for God", I failed to provide for my children "for God". I looked at this woman that promised God that she would honor me, as she belittled & threatened me, I read my phone & saw the text threats from her mother & told God "time out. I'm not working for you right now."

I grabbed a duffle bag full of shoes (cuz I'm petty like that), a suitcase full of clothes & a PS3 & I walked out the house. I called my brother & best friend & let him know what happened & I promised myself I'd never look back.

I always say 2009 was my hardest year ever. But 2010 has it beat by a long shot. 2009 I could blame my issues on someone else. This year it was just me. Me, God & a clean slate. I moved into my one room shack with the same things I left my 3 bedroom townhome with. I slept on a twin mattress my pastor gave me. I went from watching 200 cable channels on a big screen to watching 6 channels on a television as big as my foot. I ate pre-cooked chicken & boil-in-a-bag rice, $1.25 Tostinos pizzas & drank $1 Tropicana juices. I wore every stitch of clothing I had at least 3 times before I could afford to go to the laundromat. And my kids. The only two people in this world that brought me sanity didn't need to be anywhere near me.

All I had was a Blackberry & an iPod full of beats.

You know the Dreaming Out Loud story, so I'll skip that. I remember in 2008 I asked God to strengthen my faith. Hardest question I've ever asked. How do I trust a Man I've never seen? I'd hear Him speak (through others, He & I hadn't talked before) so I at least knew He was hanging around to some degree. And I saw Him work in the lives of my friends & family. And I continued to be selfish & wanted to experience that for myself.

One year later.

That one room shack is fully furnished. Plus some. And I paid little to nothing for everything. I've been promoted twice in one year at my job. I also got offered a second job today. One of the largest independent record labels contacted me. To date I've released three projects that have collectively moved 8,000+ units. I'm not bitter, I'm happier than I've been in years. No, everything isn't in order. No everything isn't where it needs to be. This journey is NOT over. But I sit in silence & I can hear cheering & chanting. Everytime I failed the jeers came from my own section. And only one person sat in that part of the stadium...me.

I used to wonder if my split second decision was wrong. And I wondered if I had stuck it out where would I be. And now I know...dead. And to some extent, that night a part of me did die. And you just read his eulogy.