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Wal-Martosis

Got this over @ www.therezidue.com... Blog of the year

I'm sure I'm not saying anything new to ya'll, but damn, Wal-Mart is dangerous! I've known of how dangerous this place was since my college days, but last night, I got reminded of just how easy it is to walk into that place and spend ten times what you planned on spending.

Last night I walked in there with intentions of only getting a car freshener. You know, one of the ones that can fit inside the cup holder. That's all. Then I got overcome with something I'm going to call Wal-Martosis.

Wal-Martosis is that feeling of "might as well" that comes over you when you start walking around the store and just start picking up stuff. Before you know it, you are at the register spending money on stuff you didn't even need.

After I picked up my car freshener, I walked down the aisle and saw leather seat protector spray. I figured, hey, I could use some of that, so I picked it up. I walked further down the aisle and saw UV Ray deflectors for my car, you know, those things you put in the windshield to protect the interior and keep heat out of the car. Since it's hot as hell in the A right now, I figured I could use one. Plus that along with my new leather seat protector spray would work wonders, so I picked one up. When I finally got out of the car aisle I walked past the clothes department. Eff what you heard, Wal-Mart got the V-neck T's for the lowsky wowsky. They come in an assortment of colors too, so I picked up a crayon grey and dark heather grey t-shirt. When I got out that section, I thought to myself, "hmmm, I don't eat breakfast like I should, let me go get some cereal." So, I go to the cereal aisle and get some. I already had milk at the house, but you can't have breakfast without orange juice, so I had to go get some of that. After picking that up, I started making my way to the check out line, but before I got there, I walked past a display selling Vitamin Waters for $1. That price looked attractive because even though they weren't cold, they were still .69 cents cheaper than what they go for at the gas station. I figured I could stock up on some and save money.

But then it hit me....I ain't saving no money buying stuff I don't need! What kind of sense does that make? You see something that you don't need on sale for $1, but buy it anyway because it cost more elsewhere. Yeah, you saving .69 cents, but you spending a dollar. That's backwards. At that point, I realized I had got infected with Wal-Martosis.

Immediately, I looked at what was in my hands and saw everything BUT what I came to get in the first place.

Why in the hell did I have leather seat protector spray? Can't I just wipe the seats down with lotion? (bootleg I know, but it works)

Why did I have a UV Ray protector? Can't I just park in the shade?

Why did I have two grey t-shirts? (fugg it, I really wanted those)

Why did I have cereal when my day usually starts at lunch time?

Why did I have a whole gallon of orange juice like I had a wife and kids to feed?

Why the hell was I buying room temperature Vitamin Water?

When I started asking myself those questions, I promptly started putting everything back. I came into Wal-Mart expecting to spend $2, and would have wound up spending damn near $40. That's crazy.

So, I put everything back and kept the car freshener I came for and the t-shirts. Even with that, why was I buying car freshener from Wal-Mart? But, hey, fugg it.

When I finally got to the checkout line, I was standing behind a guy with two handfuls of stuff. I noticed him from when I first walked in. He ran past me going to the birthday card section. I looked like he was in a rush since he ran out of that section when he found what he needed. But here he was, standing in front of me in line damn near 30 minutes later.

Let me tell ya'll what this dude had in his hands:

The birthday card he ran inside for

A bag of lettuce

A blanket

A pair of shoes

Odor Eaters

A pair of jeans

and get this...A big ass Atlas Map

Where the hell do you find an Atlas Map in Wal-Mart? Shied, you'd need a map for that alone.

Standing behind him, I noticed he had a familiar look on his face. It was the same look I had on mines minutes ago. He realized that he had succumbed to Wal-Martosis. He started looking at the stuff in his hands like "why the fuck do I have all of this stuff?"

Unfortunately, he was already in line and he didn't want to lose his spot, so he couldn't go back and put some of the stuff back. But, he damn sure tried to lay some of it on the candy stand. Especially that Atlas Map. He tried to sit it on top of the boxes of Nerds and M&Ms, but it wouldn't stay in place, it kept sliding down. After while, he just said fugg it and held on to it. Damn, he got Wal-Martosis and could do nothing about it.

As the cashier rang up his stuff and his total got higher, his face sunk lower and lower as each item was swiped. Finally, he wound up swiping his card and paying damn near $80 on stuff he obviously didn't really need. When I saw that, I started looking around at the other folks in line and saw that everybody had handfuls of stuff, that I assume, they didn't really need. I mean, next time you go to Wal-Mart, just look at what stuff have with them when they are standing in line. None of it goes together.

See, when you're at the grocery store, you usually have a goal in mind and what's in your shopping cart reflects that goal.

If you are planning on cooking breakfast, you will have eggs, bacon, grits, juice.

If you are planning on baking a cake, you will have cake mix, milk and whatever else.

Man, Wal-Mart, you just in there buying stuff.

The girl behind me in line had a bottle of Ajax, a box of Capri Sun and some flip flops. Another person had a straw hat, Flavor of Love Season 3 DVD, batteries and some got damn green socks. The hell?

Seeing that, I felt good knowing that I had put all that crap back in its proper place and came out spending under $10. Granted I came to spend $2 and spent like $7, my Wal-Martosis gap was only $5. That dude in front of me and these other folks was gonna be double, triple and even 4 times as much as that.

Do ya'll feel me on this one? Have any of ya'll ever been infected with this disease? If you have even been infected with Wal-Martosis and overcome, please share your experiences. If you still suffer from its symptoms, please share those experiences as well. I know I'm not the only one with this story/problem. Together, we can help each other fight this.

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